Pump Up Your Patriotism

The .50-Caliber Way To Show Your True American Colors

‘Tis the season of Independence Day (or, as orthopedic surgeons call it, “Christmas”) celebrations. The 4th Of July—along with backyard blasts all year long—is a chance to show the world your patriotism by finding the most colorful explosive available in the Walmart parking lot, lighting its fuse, and holding it until someone yells, “Hey, your hand is in my potato salad!”

But contrary to what you might think, there are ways of showing your true patriotism that don’t involve reconstructive surgery. Ways of telling the world, “I love this country more than anyone has ever loved anything, except for maybe Joe Biden and his hair-sniffing desires!” And while our founding fathers had to endure unthinkable hardships to earn the title of “patriot,” like spending more than an hour in New Jersey, for you it’s not so challenging. All you need to do is follow our simple guide so nobody can ever question your unbridled love of America.

The most obvious way of showing your patriotism is joining the military. Of course, this could possibly involve unpleasant things like “joining the military” and “watching the Super Bowl from Europe.” So, let’s focus on things a little more attainable, like finding a really big flag.

A patriot’s flag should fly proudly over his home, so large it eliminates any confusion that someone might be in, say, Turkmenistan, and reminds them they are squarely in the U.S. of A. The flag also needs to be huge. How huge? So huge that’s it’s not only bigger than any other country’s flag*, but also bigger than several countries. If you could fit the entirety of St. Kitts and Nevis over your roof, you’re off to a good start.

Another fantastic way of showing your dedication to America? Have it tattooed somewhere on your body. You could do something basic, like get the stars and stripes on your biceps or “God Bless America” on your chest. But half-assed effort like that is usually reserved for communists and people who watch soccer. If you want to be a real patriot, your tattoo needs to scare people a little bit. So instead of “God Bless America,” try “America: Love it or get decapitated.”

If you want to scare people who can’t read, you’ll need to tattoo a patriotic image on yourself instead. This image must include three things: A great patriot, an American symbol, and graphic violence against a sworn enemy. George Washington riding an eagle to drop bombs on Nazis is cute. Or for something more contemporary, Marjorie Taylor Green using a Barrett 50 BMG to obliterate the metric system**.

Of course, nothing shows your great patriotism quite like blowing up enough fireworks to land you on a federal watchlist and/or tour bus with KISS. You can’t just buy those fireworks from any old roadside stand, though. You’ve got to find the guys who sell the “good” fireworks, the kind whose other uses include stadium demolition and overthrowing Caribbean governments.

If you’re not sure where to find these mavens of mayhem, start diving out of town on the most desolate road you can find. Take a good look at the people sitting behind the fireworks stands, and when you see a guy with enough face tattoos to be a Grammy-winning mumble rapper, that’s your guy. Buy out his complete stock, which he’ll be happy to sell you so he can get back to his “real” job. Which is absolutely not selling methamphetamines.

Once you get home, go ahead and start lighting those babies off as soon as your truck hits the driveway. The founding fathers didn’t wait until July 4 to start blowing things up, so neither should you. Just make sure you’re watching the fuse… and have your orthopedic surgeon standing by. 

Notations:

*This is true everywhere except Texas, where displaying a flag larger than the Texas flag is still punishable by firing squad.

**Our grandfathers didn’t win World War II so someone could tell us 35 degrees is “hot.”